kitah zayin and ches

the rebbe treated me from day one like a dummy
it seems that he had formed an impression of me before we even got started
he spoke about the fact that he had not gone to speak to last years rebbe
on purpose
so that all would start on equal footing
i think he lied
he seemed to know who the top students were from the first day
no encouragement from him
no
just mockery
that year we started a morning shur for those kids who needed it
meaning me
the menahel himself would come early to help us
the menahel was nice to me
i did better cause he actually cared and even knew my name
he still says hello to me when i see him around
i put these years together because at the end of the year
i thought the nightmare was over
and maybe i could get a good rebbe
this wack job of a rebbe was promoted to kitah ches
of course we had him again
another year down the tubes
funny thing
secular studies i excelled
honor roll all the way
didnt anyone see this
here a kid is top in the class
and here he is nothing
stupid people
what the heck are people like that doing in the chinuch line
wasted years
impacts for ever

kitah vav

this rebbe too is dead
i wonder if i cursed them to such a degree
this one made fun of my name
called my a derogatory nickname
suprise i didnt learn much
some ousiders that i was friend with left after this year once again leaving me lonely
a new kid came from out of town and i was friendly with him
still am when i see him
did great in english
but not in hebrew
i was 11 and being molested again by someone who lived in my building
sometimes i wonder why i didnt stop it sooner
i suppose it was fun
but made me feel sick
eventually it stopped
but about a year later i touched a 7 year old girl who lived in the building
that didnt last more than 3 or times
i stopped it and avoided the kid
still see her sometimes
and it makes me feel sick to my stomach
she looks ok
married with kids
i wonder if she remembers
thinks it was a joke
forgives me