amazing how this is still here after all this time

Me? yeah im still around except now im older i guess thats good
other issues and other nachas life is ......
interesting

kitah zayin and ches

the rebbe treated me from day one like a dummy
it seems that he had formed an impression of me before we even got started
he spoke about the fact that he had not gone to speak to last years rebbe
on purpose
so that all would start on equal footing
i think he lied
he seemed to know who the top students were from the first day
no encouragement from him
no
just mockery
that year we started a morning shur for those kids who needed it
meaning me
the menahel himself would come early to help us
the menahel was nice to me
i did better cause he actually cared and even knew my name
he still says hello to me when i see him around
i put these years together because at the end of the year
i thought the nightmare was over
and maybe i could get a good rebbe
this wack job of a rebbe was promoted to kitah ches
of course we had him again
another year down the tubes
funny thing
secular studies i excelled
honor roll all the way
didnt anyone see this
here a kid is top in the class
and here he is nothing
stupid people
what the heck are people like that doing in the chinuch line
wasted years
impacts for ever

kitah vav

this rebbe too is dead
i wonder if i cursed them to such a degree
this one made fun of my name
called my a derogatory nickname
suprise i didnt learn much
some ousiders that i was friend with left after this year once again leaving me lonely
a new kid came from out of town and i was friendly with him
still am when i see him
did great in english
but not in hebrew
i was 11 and being molested again by someone who lived in my building
sometimes i wonder why i didnt stop it sooner
i suppose it was fun
but made me feel sick
eventually it stopped
but about a year later i touched a 7 year old girl who lived in the building
that didnt last more than 3 or times
i stopped it and avoided the kid
still see her sometimes
and it makes me feel sick to my stomach
she looks ok
married with kids
i wonder if she remembers
thinks it was a joke
forgives me

kittah hey

the rebbe was a jerk
he put boys into positions where they would get petch
not that they actually did anything to deserve it
he seemed to enjoy giving petch
he would ridicule kids in front of the class
jerk
the fact that we didnt commit suicide

the grocery guy was molesting us kids
i had the guts and told an adult
the adults had the guy fired

kitah daled

the rebbe was a son of a
he dead
so i shouldnt really bad mouth him
he hit kids for no apparent reason
I got sick frequently that year
high fever
my father tried to win me friends by giving me these promotional items to give away
the friendship lasted as long as the freebees did
the rebbe got wind of it and started taking them away from me
yes i hated him
the little bit of comradarie that potentially couldve been had
well
hes dead
and im still here
in later years i know that rebbes get paid almost nothing
they struggle and live from week to week
like me
poor souls

diary 2/13/07

toothaches
i hate one for several days
sometimes i ignore then and they go away
i dont have the money for a dentist
im afraid ill have to go
i cant sleep at night
wake up often to turn
to find a less uncomfortable position
fasted again yesterday
im almost used to it
the mondays and thursday fasting
my kid ripped his shabbos pants
small hole the size of a green pea
he walks around with them anyway
i think they dont want to ask for anything
poor souls

diary 2/6/07

the ex is stiring up her wrath again
she spoke to one of the kids
there is a family simcha tonight
in her family
maybe i should go just to be a jerk
the situation makes my wife nervous
im afraid that once again my kids will suffer
my wife is yelling at them

kitah gimmel

in kitah gimmel the rebbe was a wise ass
he liked me a lot
to the point where he stifled me
always calling on me
i probably did well in that class but all i remember is how he made me dread coming into class
because the rebbe was chummy chummy with me i was the pet as the kids called it
which means no friends
english again i did well scholastically
there was a bathroom incident
as in oops i didnt make it to
which again served to embarrass me
the teacher didnt get angry
just made me clean it
that really helped with the friend department
we played out side at recess time but never got chosen into a game
i would walk aimlessly until it was time to go back into class
i was shy quiet and lanky
clutzy really

kittah bies

the rebbe was an old yid
gave half candies to those who did well
had a bamboo stick that he would hit kids with
i was 6
we davened and did some chumash
i used to get pey hays or 85 as chmash mark
most kids got tzaddik kief or kief kroen that is 90 100 or 100 plus respectively
getting my peyhey was a source of shame to me
kids would giggle
i learnt to ignore and subdue my emotions at a young age
we also started english
suprisingly i did very well
nearly top of the class
we had a female teacher
unheard of nowadays
she was a big bossy woman
i did well in her class daydreamt alot
the teacher called my parents often to say that my head was in the clouds
what in the world did she expect my parents to do about ADD
i dont think it had a fancy label attached to it in those days
it was just thought of as a unserious kid who just didnt want to learn
like i could control it

diary 2/5/7

im fasting today like last monday and thursday
until mincha anyway
its not a very big deal cant really afford to buy lunch anyway
my davening is not what it should be
probably my ADD
i drift in the middle of pieces

my big kid keeps on asking for an mp3 player or a digital camera
and i dont want to tell him that i cant afford it
so i push him off with lame excuses
my wife told my little one that i would play with him when i get home
so i did
then the others came home and until i got to eat was nearly 9:30
i was starving as i didnt eat lunch that day

update
davened mincha ate some leftovers from shabbos
still have to bench

diary 2/4/07

woke up tired
the wife is breching she overdid it again yesterday
the baby is grumpy
my son wants to play but i have to go daven stop at the grocery and run to work
i didnt catch up to the shir yet but i did 4 more mishnas
shabbos i did manage to get 2/3 of my backlog but im still behind the shir
she wanted last night but i was too tired
cant believe i do that
i think im depressed more than anything else
gotto get a better job
maybe then ill get respect and the bills wont kill so much
it seem theres never enough for everything and the kids feel it
poor kids its not their fault
most likely its mine
need more confidence
maybe i should go for therapy
waste of money i dont have

From the beginning

early memories?
sure
rebbes didnt like like me
got petch on a regular basis
I know now that i have ADD
I didnt or rather counldnt pay attention in class
the rebbes never understood me
if there was maybe 1 rebbe all my years who woulda reached out to me....maybe
i was still am shy
hated kindergarten
no friends
kitah alef was better
I had friends
3 or 4 with the same background whom i gravitated to
they too had tvs at home so we could talk about something
i didnt speak a word of yiddish
what were my parents thinking
by kitah bies i spoke enough to pretend and get by
but it was a struggle
i did ok in kitah alef but only due to outside influences
my parents and older siblings helped
i did fine
never the top but i learned how to read alef bais
i remember the dumb kids how i pitied them
didnt know how to differentiate between characters
and sounds
we played with trucks and blocks
no problem there my imagination was excellent
i used to say hello to my kitah alef rebbe in later years whenever i saw him
an old bent over man with a twinkle in his eye
i think he actually liked me
the manahel liked me
i had excellent midos
still like to think i do